8 Tips for Surviving a Divorce
You have signed the paperwork, sorted out the financial mess, agreed on visitation and custody of children, and kept the he and she closet to yourself. What is next? This blog provides basic tips I found helpful following my divorce. I hope you will too:
- Stop the Blame Game: Can we agree on one thing? We are very hard on ourselves. One of the first things many people tend to do when their marriage fails is blame themselves, or their partners, for not doing enough to save it. It makes sense. We are so obsessed with fixing things and working things out. We are eager to find perfectly logical answers and assigning blame accordingly. Historically, divorce has denoted failure in the minds of others in society. It is difficult to escape that stigma. Some people may even blame themselves for staying too long in a marriage that was doomed. These are self-destructive attitudes. They do nothing but bring down one’s morale at a time when a hug is warranted. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that a divorce happens because that marriage wasn’t meant to be. It was inevitable to end. That is a liberating thought, and it takes a toxic burden off one’s shoulders. So learn this new motto: Give yourself a break!
- Create Your Own Support System: One of the blessings of divorce (yes, I said blessings) is helping you filter people in your life. Divorce teaches you that not everyone in your life has empathy. Not everyone in your life is capable of lending a helping hand. Surround yourself with people who are capable and willing to support you. In my case, my support system were two recently divorced moms who understood first-hand the challenges I was experiencing. And just because some people don’t have the capacity to be your support system doesn’t mean they are necessarily “bad.” It simply means you need to set your expectations of them accordingly.
- Change Your Perspective: Sometimes we need to rewire the way we perceive issues in order to handle them. Don’t let divorce define you. It is a fact of life, which affects millions of other people. It is important to remind yourself that happiness need not be linked to marriage. We can find fulfillment in so many other ways in life. You are worthy of second chances at happiness whether in your professional life, health, faith, or love. Life is full of opportunities and doors yet to be opened. Stay optimistic and allow yourself to heal and reflect on your future. Most importantly, learn to love yourself self.
- Celebrate the Small Successes: If you have just emerged from a long-term marriage, one can feel at a loss of direction. Where to go, where to begin this new unfamiliar territory of financial, emotional, and physical independence? I had no idea what a 401K retirement plan was until I had to discuss it with my lawyer during the divorce settlement. This can be overwhelming. My advice is to learn to set small goals and celebrate them once they are achieved. If it means creating a three month budget for yourself, so be it. Create short-term goals for yourself regarding your health, career, finances. Start small and dream big.
- Find Joy in New Hobbies or Rediscover Forgotten Ones: As a stay-at-home mom, life never ceased to be overwhelming whether before or after my divorce. And I suspect I’m not the only one. You may in fact have forgotten the things that made you happy. We do so many things for others around us out of habit and routine that we tend to lose ourselves. I decided to take on yoga. And even though I slept through my first two classes, trying something new felt exhilarating and empowering. This will also open doors to meet new people and make new friends.
- Manage Your Stress: Life is stressful. It is no surprise that divorce, especially a tumultuous one, is one of the leading sources of stress for adults. It is important that you manage your stress. Some days will be better, some will be worse. You need to find simple routines, which will relieve that stress, whether it is meditation and breathing exercises, going out for a walk, or listening to music, or singing. They don’t know this, but my two cats are my therapy.
- Ask for Help When You Need It: Asking for help can be very challenging for many people because it requires showing vulnerability. Remember that people can’t read your mind. You can’t always be the warrior who conquers all and emerges strong and unscathed. Train yourself to speak up, seek, and accept help when you need it from people you confide in.
- Find Your Voice, and Be Your Own Advocate: Use your divorce as a new lease on life. Define your goals and priorities in life. Do things that you want to do. Assert yourself and acknowledge and appreciate your ambitions and limitations. Learn to say no when a task will make your day hectic. Set your boundaries. Speak your mind and don’t compromise on what you want.
Libyan Cuisine: The Food You Probably Haven’t Encountered Yet
There are only six million Libyans in the world. That’s the population of Los Angeles and Chicago combined. No wonder anything related to Libya is a mystery to the outside world, including our cuisine. One friend best summarized Libyan food as “the best kept secret of Middle Eastern cuisine.” Unless you met a Libyan who invited you over for dinner, most likely you have never tried it.
I have lived abroad for most of my life to the point that I question what “abroad” really means. Is abroad in relation to Libya, Egypt, Morocco, or the U.S-the countries where I lived for various period of time. As a family, our surroundings constantly changed, but the one constant was always the cuisine we consumed. I am sharing on this page some snapshots of Libyan food. Some may look familiar as various cultures of the region certainly borrowed from one another, but as a self-confessed proud Libyan, I firmly believe the Libyan version is quintessential perfection!
